A While

I am feel weird. It is like a tsunami of apathy washed over me. I do not know where it came from but it is has already done damage. I wish I could better analyze myself. I do not know why I think the way I do. Sometimes I know, most of the time I do not. I try my best but sometimes my best is not enough. I feel like this feeling is brought about because of the anniversary of my birth. It will two decades ago from Saturday. I think it is because I feel like a failure. Thing I want to do still have not been able to find time. Life is just rushing by each second at a time. Each second I am growing wiser, each second I am getting closer to death, each second I can not gain back (See, I do not know where this is coming from). A happy point in my life is Lily Allen. I have fallen in love with her. I have also enjoyed the time when Courtney was here. Honestly, when she left, I felt like something inside of me left with her. Maybe it is an infatuation but maybe it is more. I do not know. Something left me and I know I cannot get it back. I have had this feeling before. Once, when I left my family in California when I visited them long ago and another time when summer came about freshman year and it was time for Jordan and I to depart ways to go back home. I need to be by water. Just like Dinah from the Red Tent. I honestly feel good when I am in water. I am a Pisces so water is natural to me. I also know that people who like water are very complex. Psh, me in a nut shell. Also, a contradiction. My feeling are all over the place but maybe that is where they need to be. I know everything happens for a reason but that reason eludes me all the time. I go with the flow without know where the current is taking me. I lift my head up to take a peek but once I prepare for the future, boom, waterfall. I am having a heck of time finding somebody to love, hell, even like. I wish my sexual disposition was not so varied when it came towards women. Blah blah, who cares right? I had a dream in which I have to explain in a vlog. It will be a high point in the post and not a debbie downer. I always wonder what will happen if one day I am gone from this life. Who will come to my services, who will cry, who will even think "Rest in Peace, Sam"? I am not saying this as a suicide, FAR FROM IT. I like challenges way to much to take myself out of the game. But it crosses my mind. Mostly in dreams. I heard that when you die in a dream, you die in real life. I cannot say if this is true because I have not died in any of my dreams. Others have but not me. I told you I am a fighter. I know what I need. A good dose of I Survived. That show is the shit and I will love it till the day of judgment and then, I will still love the fuck out of it. And I know that was a comma splice but I do not care. It is my style. It is there to add emphasis. That is why I hate writing for other people. You think I can't write but I think you have no creativity. Classic Art vs. Academics. I am not going to lie this time. I will post pictures of funny and cool shit I like next post. Pinky Promise. Anyway Later.